Yesterday I took a walk at the beach. Not ON the beach, but at and near and around the beach. Which was so sad for my little dog who LOVES dog beach. It's just that I also brought lil Monkey and strollers and sand do not mix. There is also NO WAY ON EARTH that I could manage a excited terrier off leash on dog beach and a not-yet-walking-but-loves-to-crawl baby. So we walked on the sidewalks and the smell hit me yesterday: Sydney. It was the humidity really. It was so humid down there. I remember walking home from class to have it start raining hard, but be completely stopped and SUNNY when I finally got home to pull my -now wet with rain- laundry off the line.
It has been 11 years this month since I was there. Since I really grew up. I went there sad and lost, and came home free from all that. I knew I could do it...what ever it was. I could be alone and not be lonely. It is wierd trying to explain what I was like before that experience...my husband doesn't see it, but I think that is a good thing. It reminds me that we can all go through dark and lost times and emerge, maybe not as found, but not so dark about it. I see some of my female students starting that path of lost, and I try to convey to them, not thru lectures or stories, that IT GETS BETTER. It does. I love my life as crazy and strange and imperfect as it is, and I had to be the insecure, sad and lost girl who only wore black, grey and navy.
Thank you Sydney. I miss you and hope you are doing well. Hope to see you soon!