first halloween

So much fun for her first Halloween. Of course I was the one having the fun! I'm sure next year will be more fun for her!

moving along

So everyday becomes a bit easier...or at least less suprising in some ways. The evenings are still strange and a struggle when nothing seems to please her. I am very nervous of the family wedding we are going to tomorrow night. I am anticpating complete meltdowns by me and my girl!

I am also reluctant to buy clothes for this inbetween size that I currently inhabit. I mostly still wear maternity, but they are getting rather loose. I never was this size as a not pregnant person so I have zero bottoms to fit my bottom! So we are going shopping today. Very adventurous I know, but it can be done!

Someone is awake now....

snuggle

I have to admit I love having my girl fall asleep on my chest. Tonight is cool enough for a blanket which makes it even more of a snuggle. The dog has even joined in and curled up on my feet. Deep breaths....enjoy the good things.

going herbal

So as I write this I am letting my cup of tea cool. This is special tea that mothers have been using for centuries (so says the box) to help milk flow. I'll try it all right about now. After a week of guessing, not pooping, now pooping and puking I really really really want to be a normal breastfeeding mom. I HATE the "breastfeed, give a bottle, and pump" cycle that I have to endure to encourage milk production. It makes my little Monkey frustrated when there isn't much for me to offer her which in turn makes me super sad.

I am having a very hard time keeping faith and a positive attitude right now. There are moments in the day when I want to curl on the bathroom floor and cry for an hour. Maybe I should take my pump in there...we could be friends. I hate feeling like I'm broken...like I've failed because logically I know that is not true. Unfortunately logic takes the occasional backseat these days.

She's doing better this week...we have more regular poops so at least she's getting enough finally. Hopefully the herbal horsepills and the tea will do something, and we are going to the lactation consultant on Friday. I don't know what they can do, but maybe just talking to someone about this will help.

Today was hard. for me that is. I just want things to be normal hard, not like this. I keep hoping that if this problem gets fixed that I will start to feel better emotionally. My body did a spectacular job of surviving natural childbirth, but my 'motions have not. I know Scarlett say that tomorrow is another day, and maybe that's what I have to cling to. With God as my witness she'll never go hungry again.